I picked the college I was not interested in. I did not give myself a chance to fall in love with it, I was so focused on going to my “dream school,” that I never even gave myself an opportunity to fall in love with an actual school, not just a reputation. We spent half of a day in a car travelling to a small city in Ohio, all that I could see through the car window was flat land and corn fields. As we turned a street and arrived on campus, the atmosphere changed completely; mundane buildings turned into ones that resembled castles, discontented people turned into students and teachers who are truly free to be and look however they want to. I could tell that this was a special place, and my instincts are usually never wrong. One of the first things I noticed about my new home was the intense floral aroma that arises in the springtime. I knew that Oberlin had a really strong environmental studies program, but I did not imagine the campus to be nearly as lively or as beautiful as it is. Not even after a month of my undergrad went by, I realized that I did not ever want to leave, Oberlin felt and still feels like more of a home than my actual home. I have realized that there is truly no other place I would rather be. Now, sitting in my room in Massachusetts, hundreds of miles away, I feel myself wishing I was still seconds away from seeing my friends. I miss my slightly uncomfortable bed, seeing that piercing blue emergency light shining through my window. I have been to other colleges, but none of them can even compare to Oberlin. I have watched as people who shaped the very first weeks of my experience there graduated, and even they dread leaving. Two years have already flown by and I know that soon it will be my time to leave too. But I hope that I can take a little piece of Oberlin with me to my next destination and the next ones after that.
In reading your work, I believe you had followed the guidelines as to what was expected to write about. I noticed you have described a past college experience as your home away from home. Some questions that came to mind when reading your writing was what experiences made that your home away from home? What was your favorite memory in Oberlin? Did you move around quite often? I find this piece to be interesting and eye catching and I enjoyed your detail as you described what you see as you peer out the car window. I.e. “We spent half of a day in a car travelling to a small city in Ohio, all that I could see through the car window was flat land and corn fields.” I think your writing is superb and seems to be a smooth reading, organized. It just needs a little more information to show us all the great things on why Oberlin is your home other than the uncomfortable bed and the bright exit sign. All in all I think you are doing great describing your version of home, I truly like the way you started closing by saying “Now, sitting in my room in Massachusetts, hundreds of miles away, I feel myself wishing I was still seconds away from seeing my friends.” That shows that you are a person who has made roots in the Oberlin soil and longs to go back to where your friendships have started. Maybe in your writing you can add about your friendships that make Oberlin special to you as well, just a thought. 🙂
This is an interesting variation on a town/city description! Good choice of topic. The main point seems to be about your strong connection to your college as a place “like more of a home than my actual home.” The details I see here are the floral aroma, the castle-like buildings, and the piercing blue light through your room. I think you can do better to paint a clear picture of what the college *looks* like (and smells, etc., too). Imagine you were making a video to show us the homeyness of the place–what images come to mind? What are “your places” on campus? Can you capture them in words?
A smaller point: I can’t quite follow what you’re saying in the first couple sentences–was there some other “dream school” that was your first choice, and Oberlin just the one you settled on? Also, I’m not sure as you’re driving out there if this is a college visit, or your move to Ohio.
Also in proofreading, watch out for run-ons. Here’s an example: “We spent half of a day in a car traveling to a small city in Ohio, all that I could see through the car window was flat land and corn fields. ” And here’s a page with some info about how to identify and fix run-ons: http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/runons.htm
Oh one other thing I’d like to suggest. Look for sentences like this: “discontented people turned into students and teachers who are truly free to be and look however they want to.” Notice how it doesn’t give reader a *picture*–what would these people look like? How can you see that a person is looking however they want? What would they wear? what kind of hair, etc? Show us some snapshots of these people who contribute (I assume) quite a bit to your sense of home at Oberlin.